How To Cope With The Different Levels Of Sex Drive

 

 

 

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How much sex is too much sex? Is having too much sex bad? What should be the normal amount of sex?

 

Like many topics in sexuality, several confusions or misunderstandings exist about the frequency of sex. It can become a major battle every time for couples wrestling over the amount of sex they should have. The person with the lower sex drive feels constantly barraged and harassed about sex while the one with the high sex drive feels deprived. People often make the mistake of comparing or measuring their sex lives with friends or other couples. In each case, they should not be judged as falling above or below social norms.

 

The idea of too much sex normally becomes an issue when one partner has a higher or lower sex drive than the other. When you take a demanding approach for more sex from an unwilling spouse, the sex that you are having will start to feel like a chore for the other person. You also risk creating resentment, which is one of the most corrosive emotions in a relationship. When one of you is not satisfied, feeling like your sexual needs are not being met, this may cause the deprived one to stray outside of the marriage.

 

It is therefore very important that you talk openly about your needs when you are out of the bedroom and to constantly keep the doors of communication open. I know it is hard for some couples to talk about sex, but can you touch base periodically and check out on each other’s needs? If you and your partner disagree about sexual frequency, can you make compromises? Quite often we make assumptions about our partners that are not true. Maybe you wish you could have sex twice a week, but your partner only wants it every other week. Maybe you assume your partner is not in the mood, when in truth, your partner just does not always want to put in the hour-long ordeal of loads of foreplay. What if you could just have a quickie every now and then, just to tie you over? Would you be willing to sacrifice quality for quantity or either way?

 

During the discussion, be careful of being judgmental about what your spouse is asking or saying. You should not take it too personally if your spouse’s needs do not match yours. Maybe your wife wants to take a few days off now and then. If this is the case, this does not necessarily mean that she does not enjoy sex with you, or that she does not care about you. Maybe she just needs more sleep so she can be more productive at work. Perhaps your wife is worried about your health because of the misconception about men losing their strength through their discharge of semen. This is also a good opportunity for both of you to learn more about each other’s interests and expectations about your relationship.

 

When you are in a relationship, it is a matter of working with two people’s sexual uniqueness. This is where things can get complicated because the natural ebb and flow of two people’s desires rarely coincide. Sometimes the two of you are in prime sexual mode and cannot wait to rush home to rip each other’s clothes off. Sometimes your partner feels romantic, but your mind is on something else. Sometimes you nudge your partner expecting a wholesome night but he/she rolls over and goes to sleep, leaving you staring at the ceiling all night long. Sometimes the two of you will have a week where there is sex everyday. The next month, nothing happens. There is nothing abnormal about this. It makes you human.

 

So, coming back to the question about how much sex is considered ‘normal’; in reality it is hard to quantify how much sex is enough sex. This is due more to the choice made by each individual couple. Unlike vitamins, there are no daily minimum requirements. There are happy couples that have sex everyday, there are other happy ones that have sex once a week and there are other couples that are okay with having sex once a month. It is not a matter of quantity. It is a matter of what works for you and your partner at the current stage of your life. A healthy sex life takes time and effort. It takes flexibility and forgiveness. It also takes both parties to understand that sexuality is a constantly changing variable.

 

Therefore you should not take too seriously about those surveys that give norms on sexual activity which may cause you to feel wholly inadequate. When being questioned about personal information, most people do not tell the truth and usually come up with some ‘socially correct’ answers. Do not fall into this trap of measuring your happiness against someone else’s yardstick. As long as you and your partner are content, no one gets hurt and sex is not getting in the way of the rest of your life, there is no need to worry about how much sex everyone else should be having.

 

For further readings on sexuality topics, click on Hot Sex and Fix A Sexless Marriage

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What If Your Partner Wants More Or Less Sex Than You

 

 

 

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The number one sexual problem facing most couples is low or no sex or discrepancies in sexual desire between spouses. Studies have found that one in three women and one in seven men report low sexual desire.

 

When one spouse pushes for sex while the other tries to avoid it at all cost, conflict, frustration and boredom will often happen in the relationship. Often with inhibited desire of one spouse, the other spouse becomes pushy and resentful, which leads to lack of affection and closeness. The longer the couple avoids sexual contact it becomes harder to break the cycle. The longer they hold back from sexual contact, the more they tend to blame each other.

 

Low sexual desire can have a lot of causes. These may include childhood sexual abuse, guilt regarding previous sexual activities or partners, performance anxiety, lack of genuine feelings for one’s spouse, shame about a sexual fetish or lack of physical attraction.

 

Having said so, the occasional lack of desire is normal. In extreme times of conflict, when there is death, financial or work issues, it is normal not to feel sexual. Sometimes partners do not feel the same sexual desire. One may just want a kiss but the other may want an orgasm. It becomes a problem when it is chronic and when conflict over sex happens very often.

 

Maintaining sexual desire, attraction and trust is an ongoing process that takes effort and initiative for both individuals. When a couple’s sexual expression begins to lag and lack excitement, the key to rebuilding marital sexual desire is to enjoy non-demanding pleasuring, increasing intimacy and having fun together. Both members must be committed to revitalizing the sexual energy.

 

What Are The Important Components For Maintaining Sexual Desire?

 

(1)   Jointly solving the problem as a couple

 

Regardless of what originally caused the problem, it is easier to break the cycle if you are able to talk about the sexual difficulty as a couple issues. Viewing a lack of sexual desire as a couple problem reduces guilt, defensiveness and blaming.

 

(2)    Anticipate and plan for sexual encounter

 

Once in while (every few months) think of something nice you can do for your partner. Spoiling your spouse is definitely a win-win proposition for a relationship. Best is when you can tease your partner about what you plan to do and keep this in his/her mind for days before it happens.

 

(3)   Recognize that sex is more than just intercourse and orgasm

 

Spend time kissing, holding hands, touching and being together in intimate ways. This can include showering or bathing together, romantic or erotic dancing, playing games like strip poker. The key to healthy marital sexuality is to find a mutually comfortable level of intimacy while allowing space and freedom to experience sexual desire and eroticism.

 

(4)   Be open to sexual experimentation

 

Too many couples walk into the bedroom without a plan and have the same old boring sex. Variety is the sexy spice of life and will do a lot to enhance your sexual desire. It is only fair you take turns initiating new ideas. To help your partner plan out a fun sex evening, let him/her knows what you will like to do. Both of you can fill out a ‘sex wish list’ and exchange this with each other. This will get you all juiced up.

 

(5)   Maintain a regular rhythm of affection and sexual contact

 

Try to be intimate in some form on a regular basis. The longer couples avoid sexual contact, the harder it is to break the cycle. Maintain sexual contact during difficult times even if initially you are not in the mood. The intimacy at these times will bring you closer and strengthen the bond between the two of you.

 

Creating positive sexual desire does not have to be complicated, although it may take a little time and effort. Here are a few ideas to get you going. But for a full, sizzling collection of many more fun ideas, read on more from Hot Sex and Fix A Sexless Marriage

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For Couples Who Are Busy – How To Have Sex

 

 

 

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You use to have lots of energy for fun sex, but those days are long gone and seem so far away. You always feel tired and are not sure how to get your sex life back. So, what can you do?

 

Below are some tips for you to try out.

 

(1)   Find out the real problem

 

Lack of sex because of tiredness happens to most couples and this lack of sexual desire can be due to other factors too. The problem with blaming, ’We are just too tired’ for passing on sex is it is usually a cover for other things that have gone wrong in the relationship such as lack of communication, build-up resentment, boring sex, the list goes on and on. In fact, there are many couples who have great sex lives and have more sex when they are tired because it is their way of relaxing and feeling good. Sex can flood the brain with endorphins and oxytocin, which are hormones associated with pleasure.

 

Instead of focusing on the issue of being exhausted, couples need to look at the bigger picture of how they are having sex. They can jointly come up with more realistic expectations on what is achievable for their present lifestyle and schedule. This can be started with a heart-to-heart talk outside the bedroom like, “We will be quite busy for the next 6 months. What can we do sexually and/or to stay connected even if we cannot have as much sex as we want?”

 

(2)   Set some time apart for sex date

 

If you are one of those so-called dual-income-no-sex (DINS) couples struggling with the daily grind of life, scheduling sex is the easiest way for a couple to keep their sex life on the radar. It may not seem romantic and probably make you feel like failures because you can no longer have spontaneous sex; however chances are if you do not schedule sex, it is not going to happen. The upside to scheduling is it takes away any negative feelings of who is going to initiate sex and wondering if tonight is the night to have sex. Research has proven that couples who schedule sex have more mutually satisfying sex.

 

Rather than going to a dinner or a movie, you can stay at home to have a sexually arousing evening. You can also create windows of opportunity for sexual connection at times other than at the end of a long day. You can also make love when your kids are sleeping or you can have sex in the morning or afternoon. You can also consider that wake-me-up-sex where you welcome your spouse waking you up while you are asleep which can be more arousing because our sex-related hormones are at the highest level of the day at between 8 am to noon. Therefore set your alarm early to enjoy some morning sex.

 

(3)   Just do it

 

If you can just get the ball rolling, momentum will usually take over. It takes a little bit of effort and time to transit out of the overworked and under-appreciated mommy mode into the hot, sexy, loving partner mode. But if you can get past this initial hesitation, your desire will follow. It only takes a little bit of caressing or kissing, maybe a touch here or there to get both of you started. Once you are in the mood, the thought of sleep will be gone. The more sex you have, the more testosterone, dopamine and oxytocin you release.

 

You can try this 10-minute rule. If you are not in the mood or feel too tired for sex, give yourself 10 minutes. According to research, half of the population feels amorous or horny and wants to initiate sex, while the other half is not interested in sex until after they start kissing and fooling around. Therefore give it a try when you feel tired next time. So, try kissing and fooling around for 10 minutes and see if you can get more aroused or interested.

 

(4)   Be a supportive partner

 

You have got to do something to help pick up some of your wife’s daily responsibilities. This will give her a little bit more energy left for her to feel horny and think of some sexy stuff to pleasure and please you. This should incentivize you to be a caring and supportive partner. While one spouse cleans up after dinner, let the more tired one takes a bath, relax or read a magazine or newspaper. If you can allow your partner the time for her to release stress, this will avoid sex from becoming like one more chores to her at the end of the day.

 

You can make things easier with better time management at home. Pick a time that both of you will be finished working so you do not just go straight to bed. Turn off the TV or computer at an agreed upon time. If you continue to let your career or housework to take precedence over your sex life, you are more likely or probably too exhausted for sex. If you can only have sex at the end of the night, you may end up choosing sleep over sex on a regular basis.

 

(5)   Self-seduction

 

Most women need to be stimulated mentally and/or physically before they actually feel turned on. As a woman, you can single-handedly transform your libido by trying self-seduction.

 

Throughout the day, you can conjure up past sexual experiences that really got you work up enough to get you into the sexy mindset. Feeling relaxed is also equally important. After you reach home, unwind with a glass of wine or do something else that will give you a mental break from the stressful things that may be affecting your sex drive.

 

It can be of great help to read a super sexy novel and you can add in self-stimulation if you want to. From this moment onwards, you make sex a top priority. Do not wait until the laundry is done to get down to business or until you collapse into bed, because by then your only desire will be to sleep.

 

Are you really too tired or honestly has sex becomes a little boring or too predictable? Maybe you would be less tired if sex was more fun, novel and engaging. Want to try something new and spice it up? Click on Hot Sex and Fix A Sexless Marriage

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