How To Achieve Mutual Pleasure In Sex

 

 

 

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A love relationship is not just about sex although it is an important part of the relationship. In order for a relationship to work well sexually and non-sexually, communication is very important and you cannot do away with it.

 

If this is so, why some couples can’t talk things out when they are unhappy with their sex lives?

 

(1)   Not good in expressing themselves

 

By nature, most guys as compared to women are not as vocal. They do not like to talk and like to keep things to themselves. Or, they are not so good in expressing themselves which can likely cause others to misinterpret them. Therefore, some will choose not to discuss their problems with anyone including their spouses. This can only cause a build up of anger and frustration that may ‘explode’ at a time when it is most hurtful, doing serious damage to the relationship.

 

(2)   Afraid of hurting his/her feelings

 

Some people are afraid that if they are honest or frank to their lover, it will hurt their feelings. Therefore they choose to remain quiet. This unhappy feeling builds up over time affecting the overall relationship including their sex lives. It is better to keep those lines of communication open and risk hurting your partner’s feelings for a day or two. This honest but necessary conversation may result in long-lasting great sex between you and your lover.

 

(3)   Afraid of hurting his/her ego

 

Some people are afraid that if they are too blunt about their dissatisfaction, this can hurt his/her ego. However, you can voice out your needs and feelings in a loving and compassionate way. This can also give you the chance to learn about your partner’s needs and give him/her the best sex they have ever had. At the same time be willing to listen to your partner because he/she may have some unfulfilled needs as well.

 

(4)   Afraid of facing resistance or rejection

 

Some people are very used to their usual ways of doing things and seeing no need for any changes. When you suggest something new or unknown to them, they will get very uncomfortable because they are afraid of changes. But a little love, compassion and patience in explaining may ease their fear.

 

(5)   Do not want to look selfish

 

To overcome this concern, when you want to bring up any issue, encourage your partner to let you know what he/she feels is missing too. Though sex is something that is very individualistic, however it should not be treated as something that is too intimidating to talk about. You are concerned about your relationship and you want to make it better, stronger and more satisfying. The main goal should be mutual pleasure. If your partner truly loves you, he/she will listen and want you to be satisfied.

 

What To Avoid When You Bring Out An Idea

 

(1)   Talking in a blaming and accusing tone

 

Avoid saying things like, “You don’t do this or that”, or “You just do not want to believe or listen to me anymore”. This will prompt your partner to get defensive and he/she will emotionally ‘shut out’ everything that you said. The right way to approach this is to explain to your partner that you just want to experience new things with him/her and you want your lives together to be as enriching and fulfilling as possible.

 

(2)   Bring things up at the wrong time

 

Avoid bringing up any sexual issues right before, during or immediately after sex, when you are in the midst of a rush to do other things and after you have a stressful day at workplace. Do discuss at a time when both of you are in a relaxed state of mind and more open to discussion. You can create a cordial environment through arranging a nice dinner first and set a comfortable atmosphere.

 

(3)   Do not set a deadline

 

This can only cause unnecessary stress on your partner. Whether it is inside or outside of the bedroom, sex is not something to be rushed on. Great sex is something that you learn and build on through trials and errors and listening/understanding of each other needs.

 

Therefore put your fears and egos aside and start talking and listening to each other. If you do not discuss sexual an intimacy matters with your partner, you will be depriving yourself of wonderful life experiences. You can get more ideas on improving the sexual aspect of your relationship by clicking on Hot Sex and Eternal Flame

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How To Cope With The Different Levels Of Sex Drive

 

 

 

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How much sex is too much sex? Is having too much sex bad? What should be the normal amount of sex?

 

Like many topics in sexuality, several confusions or misunderstandings exist about the frequency of sex. It can become a major battle every time for couples wrestling over the amount of sex they should have. The person with the lower sex drive feels constantly barraged and harassed about sex while the one with the high sex drive feels deprived. People often make the mistake of comparing or measuring their sex lives with friends or other couples. In each case, they should not be judged as falling above or below social norms.

 

The idea of too much sex normally becomes an issue when one partner has a higher or lower sex drive than the other. When you take a demanding approach for more sex from an unwilling spouse, the sex that you are having will start to feel like a chore for the other person. You also risk creating resentment, which is one of the most corrosive emotions in a relationship. When one of you is not satisfied, feeling like your sexual needs are not being met, this may cause the deprived one to stray outside of the marriage.

 

It is therefore very important that you talk openly about your needs when you are out of the bedroom and to constantly keep the doors of communication open. I know it is hard for some couples to talk about sex, but can you touch base periodically and check out on each other’s needs? If you and your partner disagree about sexual frequency, can you make compromises? Quite often we make assumptions about our partners that are not true. Maybe you wish you could have sex twice a week, but your partner only wants it every other week. Maybe you assume your partner is not in the mood, when in truth, your partner just does not always want to put in the hour-long ordeal of loads of foreplay. What if you could just have a quickie every now and then, just to tie you over? Would you be willing to sacrifice quality for quantity or either way?

 

During the discussion, be careful of being judgmental about what your spouse is asking or saying. You should not take it too personally if your spouse’s needs do not match yours. Maybe your wife wants to take a few days off now and then. If this is the case, this does not necessarily mean that she does not enjoy sex with you, or that she does not care about you. Maybe she just needs more sleep so she can be more productive at work. Perhaps your wife is worried about your health because of the misconception about men losing their strength through their discharge of semen. This is also a good opportunity for both of you to learn more about each other’s interests and expectations about your relationship.

 

When you are in a relationship, it is a matter of working with two people’s sexual uniqueness. This is where things can get complicated because the natural ebb and flow of two people’s desires rarely coincide. Sometimes the two of you are in prime sexual mode and cannot wait to rush home to rip each other’s clothes off. Sometimes your partner feels romantic, but your mind is on something else. Sometimes you nudge your partner expecting a wholesome night but he/she rolls over and goes to sleep, leaving you staring at the ceiling all night long. Sometimes the two of you will have a week where there is sex everyday. The next month, nothing happens. There is nothing abnormal about this. It makes you human.

 

So, coming back to the question about how much sex is considered ‘normal’; in reality it is hard to quantify how much sex is enough sex. This is due more to the choice made by each individual couple. Unlike vitamins, there are no daily minimum requirements. There are happy couples that have sex everyday, there are other happy ones that have sex once a week and there are other couples that are okay with having sex once a month. It is not a matter of quantity. It is a matter of what works for you and your partner at the current stage of your life. A healthy sex life takes time and effort. It takes flexibility and forgiveness. It also takes both parties to understand that sexuality is a constantly changing variable.

 

Therefore you should not take too seriously about those surveys that give norms on sexual activity which may cause you to feel wholly inadequate. When being questioned about personal information, most people do not tell the truth and usually come up with some ‘socially correct’ answers. Do not fall into this trap of measuring your happiness against someone else’s yardstick. As long as you and your partner are content, no one gets hurt and sex is not getting in the way of the rest of your life, there is no need to worry about how much sex everyone else should be having.

 

For further readings on sexuality topics, click on Hot Sex and Fix A Sexless Marriage

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What If Your Partner Wants More Or Less Sex Than You

 

 

 

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The number one sexual problem facing most couples is low or no sex or discrepancies in sexual desire between spouses. Studies have found that one in three women and one in seven men report low sexual desire.

 

When one spouse pushes for sex while the other tries to avoid it at all cost, conflict, frustration and boredom will often happen in the relationship. Often with inhibited desire of one spouse, the other spouse becomes pushy and resentful, which leads to lack of affection and closeness. The longer the couple avoids sexual contact it becomes harder to break the cycle. The longer they hold back from sexual contact, the more they tend to blame each other.

 

Low sexual desire can have a lot of causes. These may include childhood sexual abuse, guilt regarding previous sexual activities or partners, performance anxiety, lack of genuine feelings for one’s spouse, shame about a sexual fetish or lack of physical attraction.

 

Having said so, the occasional lack of desire is normal. In extreme times of conflict, when there is death, financial or work issues, it is normal not to feel sexual. Sometimes partners do not feel the same sexual desire. One may just want a kiss but the other may want an orgasm. It becomes a problem when it is chronic and when conflict over sex happens very often.

 

Maintaining sexual desire, attraction and trust is an ongoing process that takes effort and initiative for both individuals. When a couple’s sexual expression begins to lag and lack excitement, the key to rebuilding marital sexual desire is to enjoy non-demanding pleasuring, increasing intimacy and having fun together. Both members must be committed to revitalizing the sexual energy.

 

What Are The Important Components For Maintaining Sexual Desire?

 

(1)   Jointly solving the problem as a couple

 

Regardless of what originally caused the problem, it is easier to break the cycle if you are able to talk about the sexual difficulty as a couple issues. Viewing a lack of sexual desire as a couple problem reduces guilt, defensiveness and blaming.

 

(2)    Anticipate and plan for sexual encounter

 

Once in while (every few months) think of something nice you can do for your partner. Spoiling your spouse is definitely a win-win proposition for a relationship. Best is when you can tease your partner about what you plan to do and keep this in his/her mind for days before it happens.

 

(3)   Recognize that sex is more than just intercourse and orgasm

 

Spend time kissing, holding hands, touching and being together in intimate ways. This can include showering or bathing together, romantic or erotic dancing, playing games like strip poker. The key to healthy marital sexuality is to find a mutually comfortable level of intimacy while allowing space and freedom to experience sexual desire and eroticism.

 

(4)   Be open to sexual experimentation

 

Too many couples walk into the bedroom without a plan and have the same old boring sex. Variety is the sexy spice of life and will do a lot to enhance your sexual desire. It is only fair you take turns initiating new ideas. To help your partner plan out a fun sex evening, let him/her knows what you will like to do. Both of you can fill out a ‘sex wish list’ and exchange this with each other. This will get you all juiced up.

 

(5)   Maintain a regular rhythm of affection and sexual contact

 

Try to be intimate in some form on a regular basis. The longer couples avoid sexual contact, the harder it is to break the cycle. Maintain sexual contact during difficult times even if initially you are not in the mood. The intimacy at these times will bring you closer and strengthen the bond between the two of you.

 

Creating positive sexual desire does not have to be complicated, although it may take a little time and effort. Here are a few ideas to get you going. But for a full, sizzling collection of many more fun ideas, read on more from Hot Sex and Fix A Sexless Marriage

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Romantic Ideas To Strengthen A Relationship

 

 

 

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In the beginning of courtship, flirting was probably natural and one of the ways in trying to catch her attention and win her heart. Fast forward a few years, both of you become husband and wife, maybe a couple of kids, your attention will be redirected to building up your career, child caring, servicing  your monthly utility bills,  insurance premium, mortgage installments, etc, and before you know it, flirting is a distant memory.

 

You may ask why you still need to flirt with your wife. To this, I like to ask – why not?  To me, flirting can serve as the ‘lubricant of life’ helping to reduce/relieve those daily ‘friction’ (or stress) making things easier as well as spicing up the relationship. Once you slip the ring into each other’s hand, saying your marriage vows, it serves the interests of both parties to make living with each other as pleasant, fun and enjoyable as you can. To make it more effective, flirting should be treated as unintentional foreplay, meaning you should not use it for the sole purpose of leading to sex.

 

Here are some easy ways to add some flirtatious fun to your daily interactions with your spouse/partner. Flirting is about sensuality, so bring in all the five senses (sight, hearing, taste, and touch, smell) to enrich her experience.

 

(1)   Appealing to his/her sense of sight

 

In your daily life, you leave him/her some flirtatious note (sweet sentiment or profession of love) by way of sexy text message and e-mail. You can also put a sticky note on the fridge, on the mirror in the bathroom, or the dashboard of the car. The message can be simple and to the point like “I just wanted to tell you I love you.” or “Hey, what are you doing later?”

 

The next time when you are in a crowded room sitting around the dinner table with friends and family, you do not need to say anything. At the right moment, you make eye contact with your spouse giving him/her that flirtatious look, that cheeky smile or a mischievous wink. At all times when you are talking to your spouse, maintain eye contact.

 

You also need to take care of your appearance and hygiene. When you have some time to be together, or want to make time, put on something your spouse likes (that you feel good in as well), even if it is just only a clean pair of jeans and a great T-shirt.

 

(2)   Appealing to his/her sense of hearing

 

We all love to hear good things about ourselves, especially from those most important to us. What do you admire about your spouse? Tell him or her about it. Hearing her voice for no reason other than to tell her you love her and thinking of her will make her feel desired.

 

You can say something that is most flirtatious and out-of-the-blue at the most unlikely time. Instead of “I am glad I married you.” over dinner on your anniversary, try “Will you marry me, again?” while you head down the grocery or hardware store aisle. It is those unexpected comments at the most unusual times and places that can be so pleasantly provocative.

 

Humor can be magical, reducing the tension of the day, improving the mood and atmosphere. Find something funny to share with your spouse. On the flip side, be sure to laugh at his or her jokes.

 

Chat with each other rather than reading the newspaper or watching TV. Good conversation inducers include a walk around the neighborhood or a cozy couch, candle light dinner and a glass of wine.

 

Do you remember that pet name you once called your spouse? In the early stages of your relationship, you no doubt had a special way of addressing your spouse. It may have stuck with you for a time and then you may have forgotten to use it. Bring it back.

 

It is not only what you say, but how you say it is also equally important. Summon up that special tone of voice you used when you were first dating your spouse.

 

(3)   Appeal to his/her sense of taste

 

If you can, cook his/her favorite meal to pamper your spouse. If you can’t cook, never mind; bring her to her favorite restaurant to enjoy some romantic meals with your spouse. Most women like tidbits or snacks. On some days, surprise her with her favorite stuff, maybe chocolates or some rich-flavored ice-creams. You can make things a little fun by blind-folding her first and you feed her with the various flavor of ice-cream and you ask her to guess the flavor after each scoop of ice-cream.

 

(4)   Appeal to his/her sense of smell

 

Scents can set the mood for any occasion. You send her flowers for no reason other than to express your love. Wearing her favorite cologne, cooking his/her favorite meal, or lighting a candle that she loves will show her that she is on your mind. You can also fill the room with warm, relaxing scent. These scents will get her pulse racing.

 

(5)   Appeal to his/her sense of touch

 

Very simple, quick physical contact can make a big impact. Reach out and touch your spouse in a very gentle way at a time when he/she least expects it. It can be a soft touch or a flirtatious one, or just a foot or back rub. When he or she is standing at the kitchen sink, you can surprise your spouse with a front-behind-hug and plant your lips on his/her cheeks. Do not force the kiss to lead to anything other than that moment together. The next time when you are walking somewhere together, even if it is just to grocery store or parking lot, you hold his/her hand. The main thing is to find ways and excuses to reach out and touch your spouse.

 

Flirting is the simplest and easiest way to please a woman or even a guy. What you need is some extra effort and lots of creativity. Whether you are rich or poor, flirting is a tool that is accessible to everyone. Actually you do not need to be rich to win a woman’s heart. Women crave for it. Many women complain that their husbands are no longer as flirtatious and romantic as in during courtship days. So, what are you waiting for? Start flirting with your spouse from now on.

 

Do you still want some more ideas to satisfy your partner and better your relationship? Click on Hot Sex and Turn The Heat On

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How To Cope After Having An Affair

 

 

 

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It is estimated that about 20% of married people cheated on their spouse? How to cope if you cheated or are being cheated on?

 

Whether it is a one-night stand or an extra-marital affair, unfaithfulness or cheating is one of the most devastating occurrences that can happen to a relationship. In a moment of vulnerability, carelessness, heated lust or relationship neglect, one partner gives in to the temporary excitement of a sexual affair.

 

The man or woman guilty of cheating, but still wants to keep the marriage is likely to experience some after-confession discomfort in the bedroom as he/she tries to patch up with an emotionally-hurt and victimized spouse. Knowing what to expect emotionally and sexually is perhaps the first step in the healing process of rebuilding intimacy in a relationship. In addition to the tips below, professional counseling is also recommended.

 

What To Do If You Are The One Who Cheated

 

How to reconnect with your partner sexually after hurting him/her? There is no one size fits all approach and it is likely that behaviors may vary between men and women. However these general principles should guide both sexes with respect to their attempts to save their marriage and sex lives.

 

Let things cool down

 

If you are the one who cheated, you have to be realistic that sex life can never be the same again at least in the initial healing period. This means not doing anything sexual for the time being before your partner feels emotionally ready to resume intimacy. In the meantime you have to show and communicate genuine remorse for what you have done. You have to own up to your mistakes and to answer questions related to your infidelity as honest as you can.

 

Be sensitive when in bed

 

It is very important that during lovemaking you go slow and take the lead or cue from your partner who has been hurt. This attentive behavior should include lots of reassurance, affirmations and appreciation of your partner. Your eye contact should also convey this feeling of regret and how truly sorry you are. When comes to sex, the emphasis should be more about emotional and spiritual re-bonding than about the quality of an orgasm. Behaving as if nothing happens is counter-productive and shows that you have not yet come to terms of your past misdeeds.

 

What To Do If You Are The Victim Of Infidelity

 

Instead of walking away, you have probably decided to give your marriage a 2nd chance. How to cope with the emotional wounds your partner has inflicted on you?  The following ideas may help you through this difficult time.

 

Vent your feelings

 

To bottle up your feelings or pretend as if nothing happens can hurt you more deeply. It is important that you let out your disappointment and hurt. This may involve screaming, crying, throwing things, moving out of the bedroom for a while or talking to a counselor. This can be a bit difficult for some men who are not so comfortable with showing their emotions. But this is an essential step to take if you are to experience great sex again without feeling victimized.

 

Stop blaming yourself

 

There is the tendency after being cheated to blame yourself. Is it due to my lack of attractiveness, lack of sexiness or am I not good enough as compared to the 3rd party in pleasing him/her sexually? Studies have shown that extra-marital affairs can even happen while still having great or adequate sex at home. The motivation for an affair can be due more to life challenges, transitions, depression, a weak moment or feelings of inadequacy. It is therefore not your fault that your partner cheated on you.

 

Rebuild your relationship

 

Do not let what you cannot do interfere with what you can do. There is nothing you can do about what had happened. What you can do is to work together with your partner to re-establish the trust and intimacy in the relationship through total openness and honesty as well as accountability with respect to whereabouts and friendships. There must now be no secrets or lies or any attempts to deceive. This is essential for the process of healing and mutual forgiveness to begin. This will lead to improved communications and greater levels of intimacy, which are basic requirements for greater sexual passion. This is going to take a lot of patience and effort and can take at least a year to move through the full cycle of healing.

 

There is no ‘right’ way to deal with an affair. Some couples choose to give the relationship a 2nd chance because they have a strong desire to make their relationship work. For other couples, the reservoir of resentment and hostility is just too overwhelming and the damage done is too much that they choose to go separate ways. No matter what the eventual outcome is, an affair challenges both partners to look at themselves and their relationship in a radically new way.

 

For more readings on relationship matters, you can click on Hot Sex and Blissful Relationship

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